detox day 1

I instinctively woke up at around 8:30am, but decided to sleep a little longer, so I got out of bed at almost 11. Part of my relaxation treatment this weekend was to basically lazy it up, which is exactly what I did. I lazied it up too much that I missed going to the post office before they closed to pick up a package.

I did wake up to find a line of marching ants from somewhere to a butter knife and fork that I inadvertently left on the sink unwashed. So after getting Angel's oil changed, I grabbed the bottle of Avon Skin-So-Soft that I left at work to fix the ant problem. That product really takes care of a lot of insect issues; it acts like mosquito repellent and ant "repellent" also.

The rain fell constantly, and to my surprise, the drive to Elk Grove took a little less time than I anticipated, I maded it at around 2 1/2 hours. The drive gave me tight shoulders, a headache, pangs of hunger, and it took a lot of strength and attention to prevent my eyelids from shutting.

Luckily, Roomie ordered chinese takeout, and I scarfed down right when I arrived.

Oh how I missed the karaoke, but it took me a while to feel comfortable singing again, even with just Roomie in the room. I felt shy at first, and never really "found my voice. Roomie produced several perfect scores, while I averaged 98 for the evening.

I'm doing about four loads of laundry this weekend, it's about three-four weeks worth, so it's not a 100% relaxing weekend, there's chores to do.

bitch! bastard! pills! hamburger pills!

It's late but I just finished watching Stanley Donen's lovely film called "Two For The Road," starring Audrey Hepburn and Albert Finney. It's basically a love story about a married couple's journeys literally on the road and through the highs and lows of their volatile relationship. Released in 1966 and nominated for a couple of oscars the following year, the movie shows "flashbacks" of various times in the relationship and how those memories relate to their present time, or how the flashback relates to another flashback; think Kill Bill

The movie was one of the rewards to myself for finally finishing the worst semester ever. I really almost gave up at the last minute. I didn't think I could make it to class with an unfinished project: branding identity with packaging for a cd containing a digital representation of our portfolio. I thought to myself to just fuck it, but then I thought about how much lower my grade would go down if I missed today...sucks to be me. I chose to sleep, well I really couldn't think anymore the previous night, too tired. I toughed it out though, finishing as much as I could right when class started. My presentation went out like a thud, but I don't think I cared too much about it anymore.

I drove Tonny home, since we brought home our posters, and Tonny's still on crutches, so I got my good samaritan brownie points for the day.

The other rewards I gave myself tonight:
1. Dinner from Ono's Hawaiian BBQ: Loco Moco and Spam Musubi - YUMMERS!
2. Watched "Team America World Police." That movie was disappointing. I only laughed a couple of times. Other people hyped it up too much. I watched that before watching "Two For The Road."
3. Didn't go on the computer all night, except to post this blog.

Back to "Two For The Road," I first saw the movie back in 1996 because my Audrey Obsessed friend Samray told me to watch it. He introduced me to the music from the film, so I figured I should see the source of the fine Henry Mancini music. I gave a copy of the DVD to my sis in AZ when she visited for Thanksgiving. I should ask if she's watched it yet. I didn't enjoy the film when I originally saw it; I just didn't get it.

Now that my relationship is almost nine years old, I can totally relate to the characters' 12-year old journeys together. I now appreciate the movie and the dynamics of it. Albert Finney and Audrey Hepburn give superb performances. My cheeks hurt a little bit because I think I had a smile for most of the 110 minutes watching. What a fantastic way to end the semester!

scooooooooore

Full moon's tomorrow night. It's exciting. I refuse to stay up late tonight to work on my final project for Friday's class. I'm gonna treat me to some beautiful sleep. SG and I had a funny conversation about my relationship with sleep earlier today; those were some good times.

So tonight was the final day for the history class. For some reason, my powerpoint presentation on graphic designer Jennifer Sterling got all screwy. The white background turned black, so you couldn't see the bullet points and any other text. Oh well, I think I did well for the speaking part at least. I wasn't nervous and shaking as anticipated, and made eye contact with some members of my audience who actually paid attention. Most importantly, I don't think I stuttered that much. Even the Sheenster helped me to relax by raising her hand as if to ask a question...good thing she sat way in the back.

I think feeling extremely tired the whole day is like a drug for me, because that also helped me to relax for the presentation.

Work's crazy as usual, they keep handing me work that's due in like a minute or yesterday...those fools.

The session with my therapist was pretty good. I babbled mostly about events from the last two weeks or so, the craziness with decision-making, or lack thereof, and the stress from both work and school. She was pretty cool and told me to take it easy this weekend, to detox from the madness, and then think more about decisions on Monday. I'm totally down with that. Focus on your priorities for this week, she said. That meant focus on just school. She was even concerned about me not getting any sleep. She did make me wait for about fifteen mintues before seeing though. I wasn't too pleased with that. I mean if you're gonna have me come in at 9am, make sure to meet me at 9am.

tiiiight, argh

My shoulders are so freakin tight right now, it's almost unbearable. I think what happened is I moved my laptop to a higher table this weekend so I could spread out my notes for the final I took online. So my ergonomics went down the tube, well not that I had good home ergonomics to begin with.

So the height difference coupled with stress is doing a big number on my back and neck and trapezius (that's very clinical of me; insert coy smile here). I'm thinking about calling my former classmate turned masseur for a massage tomorrow. Damn, I really don't want to shell out $70 in these hard times.

Beauty Bath, where are you to take me away????? You know Corazon Aquino's not the only one who needs you right now.

Well one more thing was lifted off my shoulders today, when I talked to the boss about considering me working part time during spring semester. She said she'll think about it, but it's really up to another boss who we haven't hired yet that'll oversee the sub-department where I'm possibly going, to make the final decision. So now this means I gotta wait til the end of January to find out my fate.

One more thing was lifted, but I think my inability to finish, er, start my research paper last night took me back one day, so am I screwed? We'll see.

it's scrunchy time

I'm dreading this week. Thank goodness I just finished my online final, so that's one less nerve-wracking thing I need to stress out about.

1. Talk to boss about the possibility of me working part-time come spring semester so I could take three or four (yowza) classes. I think I can survive with 20 hours of work pay, but perhaps I'll ask for 25. If she doesn't allow that, then I'll need to refine plan B and C.

2. I need to write up my research paper on designer/typographer Jennifer Sterling tonight, so I can put the Powerpoint presentation together by tomorrow.

3. The Powerpoint presentation on Jennifer Sterling is Wednesday night, and I'm totally nervous. For some reason, speaking in front of that class makes me nervous.

4. For Graphic Design III: produce my own brand identity (logo, business card), produce a portfolio, produce cd packaging for resume and cd portfolio.

It's crazy, but I actually thought to myself today: "Go out with a bang. This is your last week of school, so put in a couple of all-nighters for good measure and do homework real late."

I really just want to finish the semester. It's the toughest so far. Beauty Bath, take me away! Ha!

what gives?

More signs? Here's my Aries horoscope for today:

"A bit of panic may settle in today when you realize what you've created. You are still in an expansive phase, but if you've over-committed yourself financially, emotionally or energetically, you might have to reconsider your choices. Self-questioning is okay, but don't make any final decisions until next week."

missing you

All day today, I kept thinking that I'll miss this one person a whole lot. I didn't expect this.

hole

I really hate myself for letting myself go, I mean jumping on the Capitalistic bandwagon of owing money. It started way back in 1997, when I transferred to another department at Wells Fargo and I saw so many people in debt. I thought, wow, that's the American Way, so it's ok to spend money I don't have.

I'm still paying for all my mistakes from all these years. It's the main reason for shithole I'm in now. Going back to school no longer is in my terms. I would never have even thought of Sac State. Now I won't get my degree from SFSU. I'm still saddened by the circumstances. Oh well, live and learn as they say. I'll basically feel sorry for myself for as long as I can, I'm like thatch.

On a brighter note, how many times can I gush about the amount of eye candy at Westlake Trader Joes? Too bad they ran out of Tiramisu Gelato, so I got plain chocolate gelato, but that's still yummylicious. Damn, I'll miss all that eye candy too.

i left my gateau in san francisco

So it looks like i'll move to Elk Grove and go to school at Sacramento State.

Last night, I asked for a sign to help me make up my mind as to what direction I should take my life, due to the urgency of my situation at work: how I hate working there; it's distracting to my studies; the people I work with suck; and all the other ek-ek.

Scenario A) I asked, if someone gave me a rosary - I originally asked for applie pie, for A, but the rosary is a more obscure item - I would work part-time (I needed to ask permission first) at my current hated job, go to school full time, take out a loan to help pay for things, and "Special Someone" would help with the loose ends.

Scenario B) I asked, if someone gave me a Balloon, I would quit my job and find another part-time job, go to school full-time, take out a loan, etc.

Scenario C) I asked, if someone gave me a Cake, I would move to Elk Grove, study at Sac State, find some part-time job, live with "SS," rent free, who would also help with tuition. I guess I'd still get a loan just in case.

So after work tonight, I met up with a few folks from my history class for a study group. One of the girls took out around eight plastic sandwich bags with red stuff inside. I thought it was red clay for a project, it turns out she brough velvet CAKE! I thought, hmmm, this is interesting, what's she gonna do with all that cake? I didn't want to assume that she brought it to give to us, but another girl confirmed that she did bring it to give to us.

So there's my sign...amazing.

I don't mind giving up my job, but people will think I'm crazy to give up pretty good CSU benefits: health insurance, free tuition (but it's difficult to take advantage of it because most of my classes are in the daytime and they give you such a hard time for skipping out on work in the middle of the day, and now look at me doing both work and school and going extremely crazy), and I'm one year away from fully vesting that would give me a good pension when I retire. I'm giving up so much.

I'll miss SFSU terribly, I'll miss SF terribly, I'll miss my friends terribly, I'll miss my program terribly, and I'll miss living alone and being king of my own castle terribly.

I'll basically start over at Sac State because they're design program is impacted. But I guess you gotta do what...

I'll cry myself to sleep tonight.
***************************
Roomie stayed at the Hyatt Embarcadero because he and some colleagues attended a conference, so I went to visit. The hotel hung lights for Christmas; I was mesmerized.

the village

The morning started with me allotting a few hours to finally watch the DVD of M. Night Shyamalan's "The Village." I figured watching it in the daytime would lessen the fear factor. I did scream embarrassingly at one point, mostly because of surprise at that one scary part.

Some folks said the movie has a freaky ending, but I felt a little let down at the end. I thought "freaky" meant something a little more spectacular. I did love the romantic element of the movie, especially with the whole hand-holding aspect. Those two actors made it so believable.

The powerful quality of the ensemble impressed me very much, I mean as one of the associate producers said, they cast Tony and Academy Award nominees and winners in the film.

It's sorta strange though, anytime I watch a movie in the middle of the day, I feel like my day's over, because of the emotional journey some films take me through. I'm spent! But I'm glad I finally watched it.

painting the town

I needed to satisfy a couple of write-ups of design exhibits or lectures for both my classes; one for extra credit, the other a requirement. So I headed downtown via BART (I knew driving downtown in the middle of the holiday shopping mess would get crazy).

Had such a fun time. After visiting my first gallery on Sutter St., I headed down Powell to visit my friend who works at H&M. On my way down, I saw one of those street performers who dress up head-to-toe in either silver or gold. This one reminded me of a C3-PO/stormtrooper/Princess Leia all in one.


I encountered great difficulty finding my friend at H&M, as a mass of shoppers flooded the floors, and none of the employees there didn't know who she was; I asked about six people that work there before someone finally knew who she was and which section she works in. I bought two pairs of trunks or I think they're boxer briefs.

I got camera crazy the rest of the time:


Roomie met up with me at the SFMOMA:



Roomie then went on to hook up with friends for dinner and I went home. On the way, I found out about this new alley between the Marriott and St. Patrick's on Mission Street that ended up to Market Street. I haven't been to these parts in a long time, so I was surprised.


I got home really hungry so I munched on some Trader Joe's chips and Tiramisu Gelato that I just discovered last night. Talk about heaven in your mouth, this one tastes like it too. YUMMM-EEEEE!

something's gonna give

So Roomie finally called and now I'm a lot more calm, but still terribly bummed and down.

Roomie said the offer to live "discounted rent" in Elk Grove still stands, but my proposal to take one semester off before transferring to Sacramento State and the possibility of not working didn't fly. He said I just can't sit in the house all day long, I either had to find a job or go to school.

Another option presented to me was to live in his house in Oakland with his mother and brother, also "discounted rent," if I wanted to stay at San Francisco State. Transferring to Sac State's design program isn't the better solution because it's impacted and I'd need a kick-ass portfolio for consideration into the program. The other thing about Sac State is that my classes from SF won't transfer over, I'd need to basically start over; that's what one of their department reps told me.

If I chose either place, I'd need to find me a part-time job, an internship, a student assistant job, or anything to help me pay off my scum-sucking pig credit card bills and daily expenses. Then I'll truly live the life of a starving student. Who knew? And another part of a deal is that I'd need to finish off school in one year.

So now I must make a huge decision this weekend, for I cannot stand to stay and work where I am now anymore. Stick it to the MAN! Or in my case, those power-bitches who run our department.

efffffff!

I am so incredibly pissed off right now. My day was going pretty well, albeit I missed work this morning but i said I'd make up my hours after school.

Class was looong; the lecture topic was how to produce a portfolio, get a job, build a resume, etc. Things went ok until we got our grades for the last two projects: the book about journey and the infographic poster.

I vividly dreamt twice about me receiving my grade for the book project on a slip of paper and it showing B+ and reacting as if my whole world crumbled. Well the class ta first handed me the grade for the infographic poster, and it was better than I expected. Then she handed me the book grade and there it was: B fucking +. At that point my fire was extinguished, my wings clipped, my wind knocked from my sail, and my spirit died.

I'll have a chat with the instructor sometime next week, as many students qued up to talk with her after class.

Moments later, just as I said I would, I went in to work. I read tons of emails and one of them was the big boss basically saying I got in trouble for switching my schedule around and that a ton of new work was waiting for me to do by Monday, and one was due at 4pm today. WTF? She knew I had class and the fucker made it sound like I'm unreliable.

I know why I got in trouble too, it's because of our motherfucking office manager, who is a gossiping, shrivelled-up-like-a-prune witch, with huge knockers that hang down to her waist like Ms. Choksondik of South Park, and probably never got any dick in all her life, who should already been retired ten years ago. I know that passive-aggressive, back-stabbing bitch is out to get me. She puts on such a fake front and then talks trash behind your back. I don't know why everyone in the office bows down to her. Everyone just seems to play her game even though they complain about her too. It's quite strange. Ok yeah, maybe some of the shit I pull at work is all coming back to me, but that won't stop me from feeling pissed. And whatever, I'm supposed to have control of my feelings, but whatever.

karma

And now, Roomie is not answering either the home phone or the cell phone so I can vent some more! arrrggghhh!

rain bowls

I'm fascinated by rain again, that's because we finally got some real rain, not the fake rain, or tease rain, the light drizzle that blows all over the place when even a little wind hits it. That kind of rain defeats the purpose of the unbrella because it's light enough that it also falls up under the umbrella.

Today, we got served with several bouts of manly-man rain. It was like the clouds just dumped buckets of water. That's the kind of rain that you just want to play in.

**********
Bancy asked me to accompany her to a crafts fair up campus during lunch today, but she had to tend to her funky boyfriend instead and stood me up. I thought the fair was a good place to grab a birthday present for a friend. With that in mind, I was even more bummed out because I decided to just go home and eat because my funds are low again, so home food was the definite cheaper alternative.

Turns out that later in the afternoon, I had to take some documents up campus to HR, so on the way back, I managed to sneak some time in to check out the fair. I quickly scanned the booths and vendors for any gift ideas, when suddenly a table full of bright and beautifully colorful, hand-made bowls from Turkey shouted my name. The vendor also was pure eye candy, so I decided to admire the bowls a lot closer.

Talk about total impulsive buying, and throw in the fact that I'm a bowl whore, I knew that I'd end up with at least one, but deciding on which color to pick proved very very difficult. I wound up with an orange one, and got a smaller blue one as the gift.

I couldn't wait to head back to work and rub the irony - of her begging me to go with her to this fair and it turning out she couldn't go, but instead I went by myself and got some goodies - in Bancy's face. Oh sweet irony.