"there's a hole in my soul"

I'm feeling a little "down" today. I'm tired, or as Ashley would say, ty-red. A bit sad that Nikola went home; I really felt glad that I got spend some good ol' quality time with her, because as Pastris said, me "going outside" with her will "add a whole new level of trust and openess to [our] relationship." I'm also glad that I got spend the last hour with her before she boarded her plane, albeit most of that time included airport/travel related stress. They let me escort her to the gate since she's a minor.

When I was about 8-11, Nikola's mother, my sister, joined the US Army right after arriving here in the US, so she wasn't around much. She got stationed in other parts of the country, to South Korea, Germany, etc. I remember with some sadness still that after she'd visit for a few days from her tour of duties or whatever, that every time she'd leave and go back again, I would cry for days and days. I'd go through bouts of "depression" and would hide it from my family as much as possible. I couldn't explain or expose my sadness to them; I felt that I had to act strong or suppress the feeling of sadness. I never thought about how the rest of my siblings felt. It seemed like they always had something better to do than dwell on the sad stuff.

Geez, I can't remember when the last time was since I had a really good cry...I feel so jaded now though, I do however do some "fake" crying. I mean watching movies or reading about sappy stories, watching athletes win in Olympics and such. But that's not real.

"...Feel the home that I live in.
’cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins, going to waste.
...There’s a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face, it’s a real big place."